What Women Want
by Arabella Pendragon
Summary: When Merlin has a crush on a visiting servant girl, his friends take it upon themselves to enlighten him as to what women want. To be continued soon!
1. Chapter 1

Merlin Drabbles:

#1: Helping Merlin Get the Girl/What Women Want Part 1

"Is this necessary?" Merlin asked, crinkling his nose at the potent smell. It was not unpleasant…just strong.

Morgana smiled. "Completely. Believe me, when Kiley-"

"It's Kayley," he corrected.

"Oh, right. When Kayley sees you she will fall heel over skirts for you." She finished spraying the tiny bottle all around Merlin and stepped back. "Oh yes…that looks very good, Gwen."

Gwen was still tousling life into Merlin's dark locks. "Merlin, stop squirming, would you?"

"Sorry." But the spray was making him itching. "Where did you get that from anyway?"

Morgana glanced at the cologne bottle. "This?" She smiled mischievously. "It came from Arthur's chambers, of course."

Merlin sighed. "Oh, great! I'm going to lose my head just for a bottle of cologne that smells like a cow pasture!"

Gwen laughed, tucking one last strand of hair before stepping back next to Morgana. "Nonsense. I always thought it smelled nice on Arthur." Gwen suddenly blushed and looked back and forth from Merlin to Morgana. "I mean…not _only _Arthur. I mean, he's just the one that happens to wear it."

Morgana seemed not to notice the comment, but Merlin fought back a smile. "It smells nice," Morgana continued. "And a man must smell pleasant if he's even to catch the eye of a woman."

"You mean to catch the _nose _of woman?"

The door swung open and Arthur's golden ruffled hair appeared. "There you are, Merlin. I should've known you'd be hanging about with the girls." He halted his steps, his eyes widening as he beheld Merlin. His gaze went from the styled hair to the loose and slightly ruffled white shirt. "What on _earth_ happened to you? You look absolutely ridiculous," he said.

Merlin looked accusingly at the girls. "See? I told you!"

Morgana shook her head. "Oh, stop it. Arthur's not a girl, after all. Believe me, she'll love it. Besides, these are his clothes anway."

"You stole my clothes?" he demanded. "And what's this about a girl?" Arthur's expression turned to one of amusement as he took a step forward. Then he stopped and sniffed the air. "You smell awful. What girl would-"

"Oh, like you would know, you clotpole!" Merlin said, hands on his hips. "It's your cologne after all."

Arthur frowned, slowly turning to Morgana. "_You_."

"Please, Arthur," she said, rolling her eyes. "It's not like one day without it killed you. You care too much about your appearance anyway. I was doing you a favor."

"Fine, whatever. But what's all this about Merlin and a girl?" Arthur gestured at the glaring Merlin. "He has absolutely no social skills whatsoever. You can play dress-up with him as much as you want, but-"

"I suppose _you _would know how to deal with a woman? You, who have never even been friends with a woman?" Morgana laughed mockingly.

Arthur puffed his chest out. "Oh, _I _know what women want. I just haven't found one that's satisfactory, that's all."

Morgana and Gwen exchanged glanced. "Alright, then let's see if _you _can help Merlin impress Kiley."

"It's Kayley," Merlin corrected.


	2. Chapter 2

"Women like a man who's confident," Arthur said, wrinkling his nose as he scrutinized Merlin.

Merlin was finally back in his normal clothes but the smell of hair-grease and Arthur's, ahem, _potent_ cologne were still mingling in the air. Merlin failed to stifle a snicker.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. "Please, do share what you find so funny, _Mer_lin."

Merlin shook his head, still unable to stop grinning. "It's just that…well, you seem to have confused the meaning of confident and condescending."

Arthur glared at Gwen and Morgana as they looked on in amusement. Merlin expected an insult or at least a slap on the head, but Arthur merely turned around and smiled smugly. "It's no matter," he said. "You'll get yours soon enough."

For a moment Merlin wondered with mingled terror and curiosity what Arthur's cryptic words meant.

"As I was saying," Arthur continued. "You must be confident. If you don't think you're worth a woman's time, then why would she waste it on you? It all starts with the walk…observe." He rolled his shoulders back, thrusts his chin in the air, and sauntered forward ahead of Merlin. "Now you try."

Merlin tried to mimic Arthur's strut but ended up looking rather like a crippled ape.

"No, no, no!" Arthur said. He jabbed Merlin's spine. "Back straight, head up, and put your feet together."

Merlin nodded slowly, craning his neck upward. "Oh…alright. I think I've got it!"

A small smile actually crept onto Arthur's face as Merlin gave it another go. "Better, much better."

Morgana rolled her eyes. "If you keep up at this pace, Merlin'll need a cane to walk."

Arthur nodded. "You're right. Merlin, it's time for Step Two."

"What's Step Two exactly?" he asked hesitantly.

Arthur grinned. "The Smolder."


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin couldn't explain why a shiver went down his spine at Arthur's answer. "I'm almost too afraid to ask," he continued, "but what exactly is a smolder?"

Arthur grinned, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. "What is 'the smolder'? Well, I'm so glad you asked, Merlin!"

"Oh no," Merlin groaned.

"The Smolder is weapon against which all women are powerless." Arthur puffed his chest out a little further. "Allow me to demonstrate." He looked down the corridor and smiled as one of the young scullery maids came hurrying towards them. "Ah, perfect." He rubbed his hands together and began prancing her way.

The maid's eyes were averted to the stone floor but she looked up briefly when she heard Arthur's approaching footsteps. When she met his gaze, Merlin nearly burst into raucous laughter at Arthur's altered expression. His lips were pursed into a sort of pout, his eyebrows knit together, and his eyelids half closed. The maid's knees went weak and she nearly tumbled to the ground as she gazed up at Arthur. She righted herself just in time to avoid a rather hard collision with the tile. She giggled foolishly and sighed. "My lord," she said dreamily, dipping into a low curtsey and reluctantly carrying on her path. She cast frequent glances back at Arthur.

He smirked victoriously. "See?" he said, turning to Merlin. "Absolutely powerless…almost like magic." He frowned. "If, of course, magic were allowed." It took him a moment to notice why Merlin didn't respond for several seconds. "What is so hilarious, you buffoon?" he demanded.

Merlin clutched his sides. "That," he began, in between wheezes of laughter, "was the most-bahaha!" There really was no need to finish the sentence.

"Pull yourself together!" Arthur hissed. "It's always worked for me-"

"Then why are you still single?" Morgana taunted.

He shot her a withering glare. "Because I like it that way. Who would want to willingly be around an annoying woman _all day_?" Morgana opened her mouth for a sharp retort, but Arthur carried on. "We haven't got all day, _Mer_lin. Come on, give it a go!"

Merlin was finally beginning to sober up. "Give what a go?"

"The smolder. Haven't you been paying attention?"

Merlin frowned, slowly shaking his head. "Oh no, Arthur. I don't think I can-"

"Just try it!"

Merlin glanced down the hall. "But there's no poor unsuspecting servant girl coming." As soon as the words left his mouth, Bertha, one of the palace cooks, came rushing down the staircase behind them. Merlin shook his head. "Arthur, don't even-"

Arthur looked at her sidelong. "Eh…she's still a woman. Go on, give it a go." He shoved Merlin toward her.

There wasn't anything too unattractive about Bertha at first glance. She was a little more than pleasantly plump, this strange chronic rash on her face gave her perpetually rosy cheeks (kind of), and she had tiny, glaring brown eyes…alright, so maybe there were quite a few unattractive things about Bertha. But nothing that couldn't have been overlooked if her personality wasn't so…aggressive.

Merlin eyed the floury rolling pin that she always carried in her hand, part weapon, part cooking utensil. He glanced back at Arthur, who gave him a weak smile and the thumbs-up.

With a gulp, Merlin turned to face the approaching Bertha.


End file.
